Fucking Up
As is probably apparent from my absence, I failed my 60-day porn free quest. I made it to day 20, and then I cracked. I have been reluctant to write because being honest is difficult, but it is what I owe myself and anyone who has been following me along this journey. It is frustrating to me because I know that watching porn is something which I can control, but it is also humbling to see how long I have honestly believed that I have no control, and what this belief has done for my health.
Most of last week was difficult in the wake of my watching porn. I experienced immense amounts of self-doubt, low self-esteem, and I let that part of me which wants to make comparisons between my life and the lives of others run rampant. This, I realized, is not that much different than my day to day existence, it’s just that I usually do a better job of hiding all these aspects of myself. I don’t want to hide anymore though. I just want to fucking live.
This last week I realized that my struggle isn’t with porn, comparison, keeping a schedule, or whatever else it is that I struggle with, it is with me, myself, and I. I realized that I have walked around for so long absolutely hating myself. I would look in the mirror and call myself a piece of shit thinking that somehow I was helping myself. I would look at members of my own family and feel inadequate because I was not doing as much as them, was not as interesting as them, or was not as intelligent as them. Out of my hatred for myself, I engaged in thought patterns and behaviors that actively harmed me. For me, watching porn is one of these behaviors. I do not feel good watching porn, and so to distract myself and show my lack of self-regard, I would go back to it again, and again, and again.
My conclusion is that the only way for me to overcome any of the behaviors and obstacles that seem to consistently present themselves in my life is to truly love myself. I must fully embrace myself for who I am now and who I have been in the past. I have been fixated on who I want to become in the future, but I need to accept myself for who I am NOW. This means accepting all the beautiful things and all the gross things that make me who I am. This means not comparing myself to others, but supporting myself in my own journey to grow and improve. This means not being critical of myself when I make a mistake, but instead asking myself the hard questions and figuring out how to avoid those mistakes in the future. This means showing myself the love that I have been searching for outside myself for so long.
Of course it will be a difficult journey, and I will fuck up a lot, but I am in it for the long haul. I am in it because I am learning to love who I am, and I deserve to fulfill my potential without standing in my own way. Everyone deserves this.
