Disheveled: Day 3-4
I missed writing on day three, but here I am on day four. Still no porn, and I feel good. Thus far it has not felt too challenging not to watch porn, but I know that there is an ebb and a flow to my desire and soon enough I will want to consume it again. I will not consume it again though, and I can not because that would be a violation of my personal trust.
Something that I think a lot about when it comes to anything that I decide to do or avoid in my life (ie. porn or going to the gym), is that if I do not follow through on the commitment that I have made to myself then I feel that I have violated my personal trust. I feel violated because I have told myself one thing and done another, and usually not out of true rational decision making, but rather an impulse. I feel as though I am out of control in a sense.
The importance of being in control in these situations is that my ability to control myself is reflected in the bigger decisions that I have to make. Am I making them out of fear or am I making them out of love and a true desire to see those things happen in my life? More often than not I am operating out of fear and the desire for a quick fix of pleasure. I do what is easy, not what is meaningful because I would rather have pleasure than sacrifice that for a lasting relationship with myself.
Ultimately it is my goal in life to constantly be challenging myself mentally and physically. I want to grow out of my current limits, establish new limits, and then grow out of those. It is a particularly difficult challenge as it is a daily practice that requires an immense amount of thought and strategic replacement of the negative thought processes that have long dominated my thought world.
I feel disheveled today, but perhaps tomorrow will bring more clarity. Still applying lessons learned. Happy holidays!
Day 4.
